Privatization of Privatization

In an utterly unsurprising move by the incumbent government, a democratic decision was made today by David Cameron to privatize the privatization of publically held assets.

Responding to questions during Prime Minister Question time, David Cameron had this to say: “Mwhahhhhwealth”.

In the interest of the free-market and fair, capitalist competition, everyone who paid £250,000 to have tea and scones with Mr Cameron last Wednesday was offered the chance to procure this lucrative new venture. The maid, butler and secretary couldn’t afford a voice, leaving Sir Chip Longchin of Money, Money & Moore as the lone spokesman.

The move is expected to benefit four grey men in their late sixties greatly, but offer a generally poorer service to everyone else, leading some backbench detractors to slowly shake their heads and frown. Vicount Ashford of Pleasantdale explains the wider benefits:

“It’s not just these four wealthy gentlemen who will benefit, but also their immediate family. It’s likely that a private jet will be bought, and then written off as a tax-deductable. And they will give my nephew a job, who will then be able to afford to send his children to a better boarding school”.

A spokesman for The Conservative Party explains the decision:

“One of the problems with being a politician is that we tend to think a little too ‘inside the box’. We have taken the bold move to outsource creativity. There is now a company in the Virgin Islands dedicated to thinking up innovative new ways to strip our country of natural assets. Anything we can sell really.”

The Conservative think tank Conservative Nepotism Undoes Thoughtful Socialism (CNUTS), are prepared to accept credit if the public perception is positive, or blame Labour and resign from their posts with lucrative severance packages if the Tory public relations campaign is unsuccessful, and the general public become quietly indignant.

Canvassing people’s opinion on the street, Some Ambitious Journalist spoke to Joe Smith:

“Ooh, I don’t understand that kind of thing. I just don’t want the other party to get in, because Jim down The Crown said they are going to reduce rubbish collection to once fortnightly! Can you imagine?”

Jane Willis echoed this sentiment:

“Oh yes, good. Well, I ‘m sure they know what they’re doing, these people. How else would they get those jobs they got?”

When questioned about his privatization plans moving forward, Sir Chip Longchin identified the key sectorial expansion areas earmarked for capitalization, such as education, pollination, complaining about the rich and thoughts.

Eating vs. Heating

I am rather angry today. I will explain why.

First, google the question “Where does the UK rank on list of richest countries?”. According to GDP, the United Kingdom ranks as 21st in the world.

Next, google “How many children live in poverty in the UK?” Depending on your source, you will encounter figures from 3 – 4 million.

Lastly, explain to me how the hell this is possible. HOW can we have so much money and have so many people living in poverty? Why is this still socially accepted? Why are we blind to such massive social injustices?!

A large part of the problem still lies in how the government and parts of the media portray those in poverty and how they stigmatised. But I have noticed a slight problem with the pictures that are painted.

We are told that there are millions upon millions of lazy, self-entitled, tax-dodging, swindling benefit scroungers who like nothing more than cheating the system, spending their piling fortunes on flat-screen televisions, fast foods and X Boxes. All the while, raising herds of children to gain more child benefits, who then learn from their parents that you do not need to participate in the country’s economy – plead hard enough (not very hard at all) and you will be handed all you need on a silver platter.

Well these people don’t sound like they’re living in poverty – how could anyone who has a TV and satellite channels be poor? So who are these millions (literally millions) of people who are struggling to pay their bills, keep a roof over themselves and their children and not bury themselves in even more debt? Perhaps they are a figment of the socialist, lefty do-gooders who want decent, hard-working Britons to hand over their honestly earned money?

A few weeks ago I listened to a discussion on a BBC radio station about the people who were choosing whether to buy food or heat their homes. All of the stories made me feel incredibly sad, but one was particularly affecting. A phone call came from a woman who was severely struggling to keep her head above water. She said that turning her heating on wasn’t even a consideration and she was often feeding the dog before taking care of herself because, as she said, “The dog didn’t ask to be in this situation.” I’m pretty certain she didn’t either, but the fact she could have this level of concern for an animal before herself whilst being in such dire circumstances almost moved me to tears.

I know there will be those who cry “Get rid of the dog then! Don’t have a pet if you can’t take care of it!” And to this there are an important couple of points to be made:

1. The caller explained it wasn’t originally her dog, someone left it with her
2. She lived alone, in a cold house – I’m thinking that the companionship of another living, affection being was quite a big factor in her moods.
3. I highly doubt that the money she would save on dog food would solve all her financial problems and buy her a yacht and friggin’ diamanté pony. But maybe I am underestimating the cost of dog food.

All the while this nation-wide situation of hardship and pain is continuing, and increasing numbers of people are turning to food banks to survive day-to-day (some people are having to return food that requires heating because they can’t afford to turn on the oven), the Tory government is cutting local funding to services that more families are relying on, making it more difficult for anyone to obtain benefits.

Oh yes, and major energy companies in Britain have announced price increases of an average of 9%.

Over the last three years these companies have made £3.3 BILLION in profit. BILLION.

David C3PO Cameron

What does David Cameron (our enigmatic, millionaire, Eton-educated, Conservative leader whose aides swear he’s human) continue to talk about?

We need to make Britain work for hard-working Britons. We need to reward hard-working Britons. WORKING.

Dave’s local comp. (Just kidding, it’s ETON.)

Get it? He’s being stuble, I know, but essentially he’s not interested in those who need help because these people are just not trying enough. He knows, right? He’s been there, he worked himself up from nothing? Wait…..what? He was born into a life of privilege and followed the now well-worn track of Eton to Oxford to PM? I’m guessing that deciding whether to put food into his families’ stomachs or to heat their bedrooms has never even crossed his mind.

No wonder he doesn’t know how to solve these problems! Give the guy a break. (A tax break perhaps? I’ve had rich people are found of those.)

To read something from someone who until recently has been one of the millions of people living in poverty in modern-day Britain, try this article by Jack Monroe. You can also head over to her blog and read some of the other stark, wake up call pieces she’s written.