The further along my 20s I move, the more clogged my social media newsfeeds become with posts and pictures about the children of people I used to know and people I know now. I can guess your reaction at the moment and it will probably fall into one of two categories:
1. Turn off your computer/phone – then you won’t have to deal with it.
2. No ring and no babies, hey? Jealousy is not a good look on you.
Allow me to respond: I don’t spend that much time on these sites, and I do genuinely like many of the people who post yawn-inducing information about their pooping machines, but as they become increasingly common, it makes me wonder how fascinating these people really believe their children to be. I am one of those ‘freaks’ who doesn’t want children, but would prefer a career, spit-free clothing, time to myself and the freedom to get drunk on weekdays to the time-demanding and positively knackering route of motherhood.
I have respect for the people who make it through parenthood with their sanity and house (vaguely) intact. Well done. But I also note that there’s a double standard running through our culture at the moment: choose to only post pictures of yourself/your holiday/the view from your hotel/an update about how you completely nailed all your work that week and deserve a pay rise, and there are many who would denounce you as self-absorbed, or a show off. Complaining about the unrepentent narcissim of the younger generations is the third most popular past time of the over 40s. But parents have been harping on about their sprogs for GENERATIONS and they demand expect you to coo and marvel at their ability to produce tots that can walk. And laugh. And fall over. (Although watching kids get wiped out by footballs/cats/other kids can be pretty entertaining.)
I never have the guts to tell these people just how tedious I find constant updates of little Joshy’s growth spurt, so instead I have compiled a list of things which have more entertainment value than other people’s children:
1. This adorable rabbit:
2. This shocking, error-based statistic:
3. David Cameron looking like an idiot:
4. This shot of Edward Miliband playing cricket with an invisible ball:
5. A roast:
6. This stick:
7. This picture of Phil Neville, (a man labelled as the most boring commentator on TV) taking a picture on his iPad, of something I can’t see:
8. This pack of cotton buds:
9. This picture of a corridor. Look, it has doors coming off and everything:
10. This stick. Again.
I do wonder how parents feel if every single person around them doesn’t jump to attention and immediately begin cooing whenever their child shits itself or hiccoughs. But then again, I’m not a parent, so I just wouldn’t understand, even if they told me…
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